Chapter 17
The Buoy and the Drifting Sailor
Life had its ups and downs... and this autumn season, as beautiful as it was, was also depressing. October didn’t seem to be getting any better. Returning to the void caused more damage than I expected, and the month was very stormy. Something with Andy wasn’t right anymore, and I had to deal with his mood swings.
I occupied myself with my songs so I wouldn’t dwell on it. I was slowly but surely detaching myself from this journey. I had told myself I should withdraw, as usual, away from everything, and return to my hermit life in the mountains in my cabin to stop feeling anything at all. But Andy's messages only drove the iron deeper into the wound. Whether we like it or not, we are all addicted to these social sites—TikTok, Instagram, WhatsApp, YouTube. It’s part of our customs today, even for a hermit like me, and yet that is where I got caught. So I had told myself I wouldn’t respond to his numerous invitations anymore and just post my songs without getting attached... but it’s hard to be a hermit and live seeing how many "clicks" you'll get for the next song. I wasn't doing marketing; I was investing in the human.
Yet, in the middle of this swell, there had been promises. Strong words, like anchors he threw out to hold me. He said he was going to leave everything behind—the Navy, his retirement, everything—to come and join me. I was even waiting for him for Thanksgiving, here in Canada. But all that was just nonsense. Bullshit, over and over again. When was I going to put an end to all of this?
By October 11th, I was starting to lose faith. There was something fishy with this "handsome" Andy. I felt he was in a nameless storm, that the swell was rising, and that he was heading toward a shipwreck. This sailor seemed to be in desperate need of a life buoy. You could feel he was tormented about leaving the Navy to join Louise. He holds a secret within him that he wants to confess, but he is capsized, so he pushes me away.
At the end of my rope, faced with his absurd nonsense and mean-spirited messages, I chose not to seek war. I am far from a U.S. Navy Marine; I seek peace and avoid trouble. He asked me to "recentre" myself, so I did. I used spiritual wisdom—Indian, Chinese, and North American Indigenous—to help me. To be a great sage, one must involve themselves in giving and find the richness of humanity. As Fratelli Tutti says, worldly wisdom is the fruit of dialogue.
I took a crash course with Gemini to recentre myself according to the Chinese doctrine of Wu Wei: letting things flow, and using humor to lighten the burden. I then texted him with all my equanimity:
"I hope you slept well. I have recentred myself as you asked. I’ve realized that in our relationship, equanimity is the foundation upon which my inner peace is built. You are my steady anchor that allows the boat of the self to navigate the stormy seas of the world while remaining centred in trust. Your commitment gives me internal safety without running away. We haven't reached perfection yet, but it is acceptable in the practice of Wabi-sabi."
And because I knew there was something fishy going on, and because in Canada, we know that humor can calm the storms, I ended up writing this song: "This is how we say sorry in Canada". It’s my way of bombarding his darkness with peace, harmony, and a bit of "Peace and Love" magic.
By turning to these ancient wisdoms, I understood the essential: a sage does not seek to destroy the other, even the one who hurts or lies to us. She seeks, above all, to remain at peace.
So i will stay zen and calm until the storm pass bye.
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